Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
You Might Also Like
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
why no one uses midhusbands
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.