Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”