Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.