Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*