Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tested negative for patience.

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology: