Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on