*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
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Webb. James Webb.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.