[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
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Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
What
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The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Shoo shoo! 😂
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty