@trojansauce

[rap battle]

*drops the mic*

*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*

[20min earlier]

*other guy covering my mic in butter*

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@DrakeGatsby

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

@LoveNLunchmeat

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

@

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@FU_TangClan

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

@LizHackett

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

@thedad

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point