I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.