Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident