[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
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Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
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lmfao come on
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?