Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.