Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website