Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

what do you want!!!!!!!!

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.