*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
You Might Also Like
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Mmmm canned fish.
This could be us but you eatin’
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…