*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Now, where’s the sport in that?