Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Now, where’s the sport in that?

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

jesus, what did this guy do

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Ummm

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.