Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Home is where your toilet is.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Happy Taco Tuesday