[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
new career option?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.