Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.