Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”