Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

New Tinder profile.

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music