Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*