*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
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If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Lucky old June.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.