*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
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ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
I ain’t wearing no wire
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.