Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

You when you started twitter vs. you now.