Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

🐠

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.