Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either