Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

I beg your pardon?

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.