rapatouille
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This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*