rapatouille
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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here