rapatouille
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty