rapatouille
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Tier 3 meme
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly