Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
You Might Also Like
Cold.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
my first day as a raccoon
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Jesus Christ lmao
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.