Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
You Might Also Like
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon