[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
This is not me but this is me
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.