[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Life is a suicide mission.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.