[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]