Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
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Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency