Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.