Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.