Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.