Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
PARKOUR
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.