Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
sometimes we need to be reminded
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
How is it still this week?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself