Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

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Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.


Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.


Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.


So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?


[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.


Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating


So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?


*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*


Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*


I accidentally bleached my hair too blonde and when my therapist saw it this morning she let out an audible “oh no”