Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions