Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
who named him groot and not spruce lee
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?