Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
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her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I am having an out of money experience.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…