Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

me to God

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

I’m good, thanks.

the clam before the storm

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

he’s doing your taxes

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.