“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.