“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

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Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.


When you say you don’t feel good

“Are you pregnant?” -people without kids
“Do you have to poop?” -people with kids


Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior


[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”


My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”


Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man


*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*


I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.