Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave