Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Ummm 😳

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.