Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts