Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.