“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
This meal prepping shit easy
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.