Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
technically true but not a great slogan
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.