Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER