Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“i miss shittin on people”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch