Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
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People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.