Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
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[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough