Rare photo of two submarines racing
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees