Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You Might Also Like
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Reporter: *ports again*
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
i baked you a cake
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
