Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
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Me: Time for bed
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.