@Jake_Vig

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

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@Gupton68

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Time for bed
Brain: Ok
Brain: PSST. EVER WONDER IF EARTH’S TECTONIC PLATES WON’T BE ABLE TO SUPPORT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON EARTH?!

@JasonLastname

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

@Robert_Beau

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

@wife_housy

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

@WilliamRodgers

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

@panmidwest

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

@Burger_Time_

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

@DaHess1

Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.