Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
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My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
My background check bounced.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
i can’t wait that long
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.