Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
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“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.