Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Extremely relatable.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’