Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.