Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?