Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.