Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Stop sending me this shit.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.