Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My favorite female superhero
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Pigeon open mic night.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.