Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
It was worth a shot 😂
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Need this in my life lol
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
When the stylist spins you back around
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
