Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

🚲+physics = winner

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car