Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.